Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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