What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
