i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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