Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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