...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
