I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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