there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
