I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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