This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize