I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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