Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
