he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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