i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize