Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
