Who did Billy Mays play for?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
