Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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