I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
