i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
