Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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