she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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