Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Randomize
