So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
