Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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