Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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