My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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