That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
