textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
