my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
