Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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