I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
