you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
