It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
