Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
