I puked a lego.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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