It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I believe in your delicious
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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