I can text with my tongue
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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