I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
