My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
