You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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