Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
