i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
