need another drink. this is the easiest way
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Randomize
