I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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