I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
