My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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