Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
a search helicopter?!
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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