quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
