how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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