i'm lost and i look like a hooker
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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