Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
