walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
