low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He felt like a one man threesome
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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