So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I can't put those talents on a resume
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
