ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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