I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize