I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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