hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm too high and old for this...
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize