I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
