My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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