Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
My bed smells like the plague
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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